Tuesday, December 28, 2010
if you could choose a word to describe your year, what would it be? mine would be intuition.
i've always known that i was intuitive, i just didn't know how to trust it. i didn't know whether to accept it as a strength, so i saw it only as a weakness. i would get myself into situations when i knew what the outcome would be. i always hesitated when i knew it would be something good but when it was bad i didn't even think twice, i'd dive in head first. i kept setting myself up for a lot of heartache, trouble and loss. i was so afraid that if i didn't let myself experience it, then how would i ever really know? i've always been a private person, so i kept all of the perceptions i was having to myself. i figured the less i spoke about them, the more i could hear them. that didn't work out very well. until recently, i taught myself to be more outspoken. i would say them aloud just so someone else would be a witness to my thoughts. that didn't work out very well either, because i suckered myself into it anyway.
i was always letting myself go only to watch it unravel before my eyes. as predicted, everything always transpired exactly as i imagined it would. i allowed all of these terrible things happen to me. and of course, i'd proceed to beat myself up over it because i should have listened to my intuition. i never did. i came to the conclusion that i was afraid of being wrong and afraid of controlling the situation. i just didn't trust myself and with that came the disability to trust in others. i created a mess for myself, all because i wouldn't follow my instincts.
forward from here, i will create or find a sanctuary to meditate. i will teach myself to quiet the inner dialogue in my head and listen to the blank space behind it. i will write down my dreams and everything that comes to my mind, no matter how outlandish it seems. i will question myself more positively. with this exercise i trust that i will find inner balance, have a clearer conscious and develop healthier decisions and relationships. this will be an art in itself.
i will also learn how to develop my own film.