Tuesday, December 28, 2010

if you could choose a word to describe your year, what would it be? mine would be intuition.

i've always known that i was intuitive, i just didn't know how to trust it. i didn't know whether to accept it as a strength, so i saw it only as a weakness. i would get myself into situations when i knew what the outcome would be. i always hesitated when i knew it would be something good but when it was bad i didn't even think twice, i'd dive in head first. i kept setting myself up for a lot of heartache, trouble and loss. i was so afraid that if i didn't let myself experience it, then how would i ever really know? i've always been a private person, so i kept all of the perceptions i was having to myself. i figured the less i spoke about them, the more i could hear them. that didn't work out very well. until recently, i taught myself to be more outspoken. i would say them aloud just so someone else would be a witness to my thoughts. that didn't work out very well either, because i suckered myself into it anyway.

i was always letting myself go only to watch it unravel before my eyes. as predicted, everything always transpired exactly as i imagined it would. i allowed all of these terrible things happen to me. and of course, i'd proceed to beat myself up over it because i should have listened to my intuition. i never did. i came to the conclusion that i was afraid of being wrong and afraid of controlling the situation. i just didn't trust myself and with that came the disability to trust in others. i created a mess for myself, all because i wouldn't follow my instincts.

forward from here, i will create or find a sanctuary to meditate. i will teach myself to quiet the inner dialogue in my head and listen to the blank space behind it. i will write down my dreams and everything that comes to my mind, no matter how outlandish it seems. i will question myself more positively. with this exercise i trust that i will find inner balance, have a clearer conscious and develop healthier decisions and relationships. this will be an art in itself.

i will also learn how to develop my own film.


daché said...

Nice post, yo. My little sister is growing up!

When you come to visit me, your black mom will teach you how to create a sanctuary in any type of space and she can also teach you how to meditate and other hippie stuff.

kneesee said...

this is very ideal :)
can we make awesome cupcakes too?

Fade said...

Wow! That was a really a profound assessment.

Fade said...

Wow! That was really profound! You will open up a lot of peoples' creativity. On an intellectual level as well as self awareness level! One Love!